Digital Mystic Gifts

'I only do biometric readings now.'

The Computer Psychic

A Fortune-teller clicking on her mouse attached to her crystal ball.

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

'We've re-branded.'

Connected to Technology.

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

The other digital divide.

Nethead strip: Over doing the time spent on the computer

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

Go on! Pick a card.

'I got one of those new crystal ball smart watches.'

'He says he's tried sending you tweets but his cell phones keep melting.'

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

'My nephew Richie can download all your work from the internet for free. You are all fired.'

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

Unsocial Networking.

'It's all right, Dad -- it's a Buddhist chat room!'

'My son is studying communications in college. He never writes, calls, texts, or emails his parents.'

"And for my next trick, I will attempt to work on this PC for ten minutes without it crashing!"

'Wow, Ed! You look so much younger! Cosmetic surgery?' 'No. Digital enhancement!'

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"Trust your instinct son, not the rubbish spewed on Social Media..."

"For heaven's sake, son...go out and MIX!"

Plugged In

"My smarthome just sent me a text saying it's a mess, so it doesn't feel like having visitors right now."

'Gerry's downloading a personality.'

'Miss Wayson, find out who put this computer on my desk and tell them to get it the hell out of here!'

Unsocial Media

"I can tell much more about you if I read your Palm Pilot."

"I'm not saying it's spying on us, but it's asking me to 'select all the images of yourself selecting all the images of yourself.'"