Digital Healthcare Advocate Pillows

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

'We don't have a cure for your ailment but there is an appropriate app available.'

'I hope you don't mind me bringing a few medical students in to see you. '

Feel alienated by technology? Tell me more. Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

Tell me about your history. What are your interests? What kind of places do you visit? Are you careful? House of Java.net Cybercafe. You know what I mean: Are you the type that gets around? Your computer seems chaste. You may use it to send me an email. My laptop is virus-free. Freak.

Man Gives Computer Therapy/

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

'Sure, you can communicate with him. He's also hooked up to the Internet.'

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

M.D. We call it "MySpace Wrist." Stop taking pictures of yourself.

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

We only asked him to switch off his mobile and he seems to have shut down completely,

"Well sorry doc, but that's not the reading I get from my digital wrist heart monitor."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"It's the only way I can get some of my patience to listen to me!"

"My mommy's passwords are stronger than your mommy's passwords."

"I run a weight loss site, and my friend here runs a bodybuilding site."

"Everything I see looks like a website captcha. I'm either having vision problems, or I'm spending too much time online."

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

Going to a split screen doesn't count as a second opinion, doctor.

"Mom, I can't take the stress of social media. I'm running away from my home page!"

"That's my diagnosis, and don't waste time looking it up. I've already consulted with Siri and Alexa."

Digital Alternatives

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

'I'm getting lonely – my patients are getting their prescriptions online instead of visiting me.'

'Nurse Nodnik will be live blogging the operation.'

"I don't know why we need a qr code when all they have on the menu is dog food."

'I love this RX site - I can look up prices for all of my unaffordable medicine around town!'

'To see how the ward is doing you just need to use your smartphone to set up a wi-fi hotspot which you can use to download a pdf of the data.'