Digital Healthcare Critic Pillows

'Your x-ray showed a broken leg, but I fixed it on our computer.'

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"Yes, of course you can have a second opinion — ask Siri."

"He may be dead but according to this survey his paperwork is WORLD CLASS!"

"Take two of these and call my answering service in the morning."

"I appreciate how you've protected my privacy, Doc. I'm gonna tell everybody about it on my medical rating website!"

'The medical reimbursement system is sick and there is no race for the cure.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

"I'm referring you to a doctor with different software."

"His blood work doesn’t look half as bad as his HMO."

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

"Well sorry doc, but that's not the reading I get from my digital wrist heart monitor."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"Everything I see looks like a website captcha. I'm either having vision problems, or I'm spending too much time online."

"I run a weight loss site, and my friend here runs a bodybuilding site."

'Of course, you're welcome to a second opinion from our HMO's insurance executive.'

"It's the only way I can get some of my patience to listen to me!"

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

"Reimbursements are still shrinking - billing sent us the latest payment to read."

'Nurse Nodnik will be live blogging the operation.'

"I'm afraid our healthcare plan only covers the first five litters."

'I love this RX site - I can look up prices for all of my unaffordable medicine around town!'

Stoplight

'To see how the ward is doing you just need to use your smartphone to set up a wi-fi hotspot which you can use to download a pdf of the data.'

"I'm in my doctor's telemedical waiting room!"

"Your online doctor is currently with another patient. Please go into the other room, put on some awful music and read an outdated magazine. He'll be with you in a few hours."

Consortia set to take over debts?

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!! And on the 4th day of January, 1973, God kicked himself for creating the inventor of the pop-up ad."