Digital Diagnosis Debater Pillows

'If you want a second opinion, I'll ask my computer

The Proust of Twitter

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comments section just solved the Middle East crisis."

'We're beta testing Goo-Goo Glass.'

"I had a great weekend... My Grandpa talked about the war again and my Dad about his most daring facebook comments!"

Kevin had a computer virus.

'I can watch T.V. shows on the computer, so who needs a TV?'

I can't keep up, Randy. What happened, little buddy? You know how I created a hate-bot to automate my back you up in online arguments business? Don't tell me: The Russian troll farms beat you to it. No. My hate-bot became sentient and created an even snarkier hate-bot. Mankind is officially obsolete. For an extra $1, the HB-1000 will throw in racism and misogyny.

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

What'r We Doing Today, Daddy?

'When I was young we didn't have the interweb at our fingertips. . . we had to go to the library to get our questions answered!'

High Tech/Low Tech.

"Not now, honey. Daddy's arguing with strangers about the sexual orientation of puppets."

"I can tell you about this article or you can just read the comments online."

"Sorry, Man! I had no idea Alexa would be here!"

Philosophie.fr Bulletin Board - 1936

"I know you're wrong, I just can't get the computer to say it yet."

The First Asshole

"Interesting diagnosis. Now let's ask Google for a second opinion, shall we?"

'Sure, you can communicate with him. He's also hooked up to the Internet.'

Modern Nursery Rhymes

'Don't internalise that simmering rage -- get it out of your system on website comments sections.'

Rudy, be reasonable. We can't have a functioning media if everyone starts putting up their own stories on the web. We need professional ethics. We need editing. We need fact-checking. We need

Sad looking computer with plasters and a black eye

"Yeah yeah, nice, but how many online followers do you have?"

"I'm a doctor, I'm allowed to google it."

"No you can' 'google' number seven!"

"Ugh... Jerry Saltz is totally junking up my feed again."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a paywall.

"Of course you're not a failure - lots of people don't know how to tweet."