Digestive Dilemma Lover Gifts

Burp! Tap. Reflux, where reflex should be.

"Statins. I got statins. Who needs statins?"

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

'Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.'

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

Prune Eating Contest: Last Man Standing.

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

"Sales rep from Milton Keynes? You prove he no British spymaster who sent you on secret mission to Bananastan?"

"I'm a vegan. I don't know what made me order a cheeseburger. Maybe I've got the flesh eating disease."

Woman finds something in her soup.

"Waiter - there's no fly in my soup!"

'We need a memory upgrade ourselves to remember all these passwords.'

"Look, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, who was doing all the snoring?!"

"My first novel is a prequel of a sequel, it's about time travel."

"Relax sir, I'm sure chef barely remembers you posting a negative review online."

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

'What do you sugget for a couple of fuddyduddies who love hot and spicy, but have to eat bland?'

"If your computer crashes alone in a forest, and no one complains, does IT respond?"

'What's this about the food tasting funny?'

"Can I overwhelm you with a menu?"

'Oh ya! I didn't tell you guys. I'm a vegetarian now.'

"Say when!"

"The account number you entered on your keypad is incorrect. Your phone will self destruct in minus ten seconds."

"I work out so I don't have to eat kale."

'well, then, I guess you're also lactose substitute intolerant.'

This fly is doing the backstroke

Me On A Diet: "I should not be eating this!"

"Do you have such a thing as low calorie caramel coffee creams?"

'Finally have an expense account and I'm always on a diet.'

"I like that you refuse to be defined by your generation."

"Every time you want to eat a waiter, you can't find one."

'And I suppose you're going to blame this on the inverted yield curve, too!'

STRIP Hambone: Suicidal over computer error

'It's called the 'Phone Diet.' but I don't think it works. I've been pressing the 'Pound' key all day and haven't lost a single one.'

"Take you for granted? Jerome, I’ve always thought of you as my No. 1 backup date."