Digestive Dilemma Lover Pillows

"Statins. I got statins. Who needs statins?"

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.'

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

Prune Eating Contest: Last Man Standing.

'We need a memory upgrade ourselves to remember all these passwords.'

"My first novel is a prequel of a sequel, it's about time travel."

"Look, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, who was doing all the snoring?!"

"Waiter - there's no fly in my soup!"

"I'm a vegan. I don't know what made me order a cheeseburger. Maybe I've got the flesh eating disease."

"Sales rep from Milton Keynes? You prove he no British spymaster who sent you on secret mission to Bananastan?"

"Relax sir, I'm sure chef barely remembers you posting a negative review online."

"I put my pants on the same as every other middle-aged person—in constant fear that the button will pop off under pressure."

"If your computer crashes alone in a forest, and no one complains, does IT respond?"

'What do you sugget for a couple of fuddyduddies who love hot and spicy, but have to eat bland?'

'What's this about the food tasting funny?'

"Can I overwhelm you with a menu?"

"The account number you entered on your keypad is incorrect. Your phone will self destruct in minus ten seconds."

"Say when!"

'Oh ya! I didn't tell you guys. I'm a vegetarian now.'

"I work out so I don't have to eat kale."

'well, then, I guess you're also lactose substitute intolerant.'

Me On A Diet: "I should not be eating this!"

"Do you have such a thing as low calorie caramel coffee creams?"

"I like that you refuse to be defined by your generation."

'Finally have an expense account and I'm always on a diet.'

"Every time you want to eat a waiter, you can't find one."

Dating: 'A nose that lights up doesn't do it for me.'

'It's called the 'Phone Diet.' but I don't think it works. I've been pressing the 'Pound' key all day and haven't lost a single one.'

"Take you for granted? Jerome, I’ve always thought of you as my No. 1 backup date."

'And I suppose you're going to blame this on the inverted yield curve, too!'

"Have you tried our new Postman flavor?"