Dietician In Denial Pillows

'You're problem is you don't think big enough.'

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Winter is coming, and there will be months without much sunshine, so it's important that you take your vitamin D supplement Darling..."

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"Two vegans, please."

'All those vegetables Mom's been feeding me finally paid off. I'm a squash.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'The doctor said oily fish was good for his brain development.'

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'We've only got a couple of days to finish this box of cereal. Mom'll never let us eat something called energy-packed after school's out.'

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'They say you have to drink 4 times as much merlot as pinot noir to get the same level of anti-oxidants. Isn't that just too, too bad?'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

'Remember to eat your 500,000 a day son!'

"They're healthy? All this time, Mom said carrots and raisins were nature's candy!"

North Fork, the town too tough to diet.

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'I'm taking you off that banana diet, Mrs Smith!'

The Boxing Glove Diet was working for Bertram.

'Dad, you know that I'd never buy a pet that eats meat. Luckily, I found a guy who sold me the World's only vegetarian dog!'

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'