Dietary Restriction Satirist Gifts

'If you caught that in a wheat field, how do we know it's gluten-free?'

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"What a success! We've sold all our copies. You're a great team! Let's go for beer, pizza and crisps - my treat!"

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is it working?"

'92 elements in the Universe and you always have to chuck the compound NaCl all over your dinner!'

Maybe yuou simply have too many omega 3 fatty acids