Dietary Restriction Satirist Gifts

'If you caught that in a wheat field, how do we know it's gluten-free?'

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

The Official Covid-19 Diet

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"What a success! We've sold all our copies. You're a great team! Let's go for beer, pizza and crisps - my treat!"

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

"Turns out it was all water weight."

'92 elements in the Universe and you always have to chuck the compound NaCl all over your dinner!'

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.