Dietary Law Lover Gifts

"First, do no ham."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

All Natural Nothing

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'What'll it be?'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

Gastroenterology - Pull Finger For Service.

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

Obesity Report

'Id like to see you in two weeks. Try not to eat during that time.'

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."