Dietary Law Lover Pillows

"First, do no ham."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

All Natural Nothing

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'What'll it be?'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

Obesity Report

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

'Id like to see you in two weeks. Try not to eat during that time.'