Dietary Clown Pillows

'It's good that you're taking vitamins... but you need to stop BUTTERING them.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"Karen's idea of wine reduction..."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

Dr. Saltine, pioneer of salt transplants.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

'Oops! It's usually the devil to get any to come out!'

'The customer is always right...'

'Chocolate never tasted so good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.'

"More helium."

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

"I'm not all you can eat? But I brought my special plate!"

"Holy smoke. What kind of frosting is that?"

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

No, you don't need to be "gluten-free." I said "glutton-free"!

"Wheatgrass is highly effective at neutralizing joy."

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

"Early Bird, you need to go easy on the worms."

'The only vegan item on the menu is the menu itself.'

'Too much hazel, not enough nut.'

Mixing Business and Pleasure

"Wheat bran, prunes and black coffee for breakfast?! What was I thinki — oh, noooo..."

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

"Easy on the carbs, Carl."

"There were days he could kill for a piece of tofu."

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

"None of our items are gluten-free, but they are prepared by people who are."

Fast food trap.