Diet Watcher Pillows

A woman stares at a birthday cake that has "4,000,000 calories" written on top of it in icing.

"No, I'm not ET, I'm his brother EC, Extra Cholesterol."

'Well, since you're so picky: Why don't you choose the restaurant'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Like death by salad.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

Critisize your weight.

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

Secretive Weigh In.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"Wow - Heavy, man"

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

"Yes, if that towel weighs 25 lbs that would explain the reading."

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

'Diet considerations.'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"