Comedic Diet Watcher Pillows

No thanks, Bill, I'm allergic to chocolate. It makes me break out in pounds.

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'Wow! That yogapilates has really paid off!'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

'Do you want toast with that?'

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

No, you don't need to be "gluten-free." I said "glutton-free"!

A woman stares at a birthday cake that has "4,000,000 calories" written on top of it in icing.

'Ooh girl, he may look like a potato, but he moves like a yam!'

Cathy decides to remain standing on the scale until she loses weight.

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

Sick Of A Low-Carb Diet

I've been on this green leafy diet for months...

"Your diet's fine, but maybe cut back on the seeds."

Dessert Storm Veteran

'What you need is some negative growth.'

"My new health plan only allows in network complaining."

'Frozen dinners have more calories if you heat them up.'

"It looks like there is too much dairy in your diet."

"Are you the gent who complained about cold soup?"

'All you can eat, burgers.'

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Your fitness program really should include more exercise than just pushing yourself away from the table...'

Salsa on a Stick.

"It's sugar, fat, gluten and lactose free...They say it will help you live longer."

When your trainer said stretching is a key component of your new fitness program, she wasn't talking about your stomach!

'Well, since you're so picky: Why don't you choose the restaurant'

"No, I'm not ET, I'm his brother EC, Extra Cholesterol."

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

'That's not what I had in mind when I asked for some encouragement!'

'Happy Father's Day! We got you a diet book from all of us to all of you.'