Diet Soda Fan Pillows

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

All Natural Nothing

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'I've found a way to improve on light beer!'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"I assume you're on the paleo diet."

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'Id like to see you in two weeks. Try not to eat during that time.'