Diet Soda Fan Mugs

"Do you have diet?"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

All Natural Nothing

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

'I've found a way to improve on light beer!'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Simple - it's your high-protein diet that keeps you so manic.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'I am on a diet! It's called the Wall Street diet. I invested in British Airways, and the first day I lost 500 pounds.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

"I assume you're on the paleo diet."

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

Gastroenterology - Pull Finger For Service.

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

I can't decide what to read, Gourmet or Weight Watchers.