Decoration Champion T-Shirts

"When you can't actually see the tree, it may indicate that you are too festive."

"Maybe we should cut back on those lawn catalogues."

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'You say 'dead.' I say 'low maintenance.''

Painting by the numbers for adults

Adhesive Tiles: Do Not Open from this End.

Painting the Ceiling

C'mon, it'll be fun! I'll throw on some stars, pop in a few planets, drum up a life form or two, and this place will be hoppin'! The Big Shebang Theory.

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

"Something went wrong after you inserted tab A into slot B."

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."

"Well, yes, it's not what you would call a practical nest, but my wife insisted on using an architect..."

Four Common Lampshade Mistakes and How To Avoid Them.

Decorated officer - 'And these are for keeping my pants up.'

"I hear you've been doing exciting things with eggs and dye."

Framed Lady

School Career Choices: Celebrity chef, celebrity gardener,celebrity plumber, celebrity vet, celebrity painter & decorator. . .

"I love these old decorations!"

Christmas Presents.

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

"I'm starting to think stripes."

Face Painting.

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"Honey, I think that's too many bows."

"My feng-shui consultant placed Harold in the closet."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"Hon, do you think the accent wall was a mistake?"

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

'Huh. Where'd all my birthday decorations go???'

Redecorating Easter Island.