Death-related Humorist Gifts

"I meet a lot of women in my work but I'm not good at forming long-lasting relationships."

Zombie standup

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

End the Winter Blues

"The Eggsorcist"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"Who'd have thought old Harry would turn out to be a vampire?"

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

German School

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

"You run into a window, too?"

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

The Evolution Of Man

I know it seems a bit misplaced, but it does pay all the wedding expenses !'