Dealing With Health Issues Gifts

'Because of my osteoporosis, my days of shooting from the hip are numbered.'

"Happy birthday. They were out of bourbon so I got you those underpants you can pee in."

I'm waiting for test results. I might be sick with. What? I can't get the word out. This doesn't sound good.

"The bad news is you've got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel."

'I don't know which health issue should concern me more - the voices in my head or the fact that I need a hearing aid to hear them.'

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"Unfortunately there's no HMO for what you have"

"Ack! This stuff's hard to eat!"

Flo discovered that one of the perks of cancer was that even reluctant friends were willing to give her foot massages,

'Remember your blood pressure, dear!...the Dr, warned about anything that would anger you, like this divided congress and their inability to compromise on things beneficial to the nation.'

Flo figured that since she was using medical marijuana during chemo, she might as well go hippy retro.

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"Armstrong, you're the cheapest cheapskate on earth." "Not yet, but a man can dream." "This toothache is killing me but I have no money and no insurance. Do you know where I can find a really cheap dentist?" "Of course. I can give you my guy's name. He works for peanuts." "I’ll get a pen." "You’ll also need a passport and lots of penicillin."

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"Triple espresso." "Forget it, Uncle Mort. Your doctors said no caffeine." "I am not your Uncle Mort. I am someone else altogether." "Oh yeah? Who are you?" "I am... Drinkum... Coffeeman... Worthington-Smythe... of the Florida Coffeeman-Worthington-Smythes." "You may have heard of us... We're a family of... um... troubadours. I, myself, wrote several ballads for the likes of Sinatra, Pat Boone, and Jimi Hendrix." "So if I were to Google that right now, Google would confirm that?" "Google

"The bad news is he only has two minutes to live, the good news is it's in football time.""

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

"I'm not sure the extent of it really comes across in a Zoom consultation, doctor."

Alzheimer's Amusement Park

'Now this quack wants me to see a specialist- what the hell is a PATHOLOGIST'

"He was a prolific writer who made a lot of mistakes and eventually lost his mind. It all sounds so pointless."

'Bill, I'm sorry to hear about your going into the hospital. Is it a MALE problem?'

"Don't you think it's time to admit to yourself that this rash will not clear up on it's own."

"Forget railway season tickets. Stick to day returns from now on."

Life and Death.

GALLSTONE SPECIALIST: This too shall pass

"My lab tests are in. I'm lactose intolerant."

'If it has the word 'ectomy' after it, I've already had it.'

'Let's see if he makes it through the night. Could you hold off updating his Facebook page until then?'

"You have third-degree burns over most of your body. At least your chin looks OK ??" aside from that big hairy mole."

"Hopefully my body language tells you all you need to know."

Man in hospital bed has EKG with up and down sales charts next to it

'If you're bored do some writing.You could start by writing your will.'

Cold Call

"You might want to sit down, Mrs. Dumpty."