Date Night Dramatist Gifts

Another blind date ends badly for Uncle Pennybags

"You owe me five bucks."

"Oh, Jeff, you swore this wasn't a podcast."

Asking out a palm reader.

'I'm not afraid of commitment, but forever is a really long time.'

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

The Perfect Foil

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

'...and could you refill the vinegar - Genius here thinks it's the wine.'

'Usually when a man promises me a fish dinner, I naturally assume it will be at a nice restaurant.'

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

She agreed to marry me, but she has to marry three other guys first.

'You forgot your glasses again, didn't you?'

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

"It's alright for you, female worms are everywhere, but when was the last time you saw a Mummy-Long-Legs?"

'After you with the camouflage.'

"So much for watching a Jane Austen movie with my date. He kept waiting for the car chase!"

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'I've spent a fortune wining and dining you today Julie and now you tell me you love Picasso!'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'Let's forget the duck de la margola and order something else!' (man seeing duck fleeing from cook).

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"If they give you any trouble, find a good babysitter and go out for the evening."

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

“Here’s to the 240 bucks we’re paying the sitter.”

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

"I don't know - I feel like we always split the cheese plate."

"What wine would you recommend to compliment stony silence?"

"Wait. Let it breathe."

'I called this emergency meeting to discuss the lack of respect I've been getting around here lately.'

'He seems nice.'

"I will avenge the underdone fish that ruined my dinner if it's the last thing I ever do."

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'