Date Night Comedians Pillows

"Look, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but. . ."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"You knew I was hooked when you married me!"

Toothbrush Romance

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

'They call me Portugese Man of War, but I'm really just a jellyfish of love.'

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

'Very funny!'

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"It's not your phone service... you're talking into a spring roll."

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

'You forgot your glasses again, didn't you?'

'The blond guy is a forward and the other guy is a wing.'

'You've had a bad day? Try being stuck in this house!'

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"I followed the money and it led me to Edgar."

Football Delivery

"For richer or poorer, in function and dysfunction,..."

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'I want one that says 'get lost' but includes a pocket compass.'

"Women do not appreciate power tools as last minute gift ideas."

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

"Couples therapy is not 'going out', Henry!"

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

Critics In Love

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"