Date Night Comedian Pillows

'Would you say you lean more to the left?'

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

"When you called yourself a playboy...."

'Your place or mine?'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"It's not your phone service... you're talking into a spring roll."

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

'You forgot your glasses again, didn't you?'

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"Mind if I read a little?"

"Couples therapy is not 'going out', Henry!"

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

He's Tasty!

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

'I don't usually find worms attractive,but as soon as I saw him I was hooked!'

"You will let me know if I'm boring you with my little stories, won't you dear?"

"I overestimated the amount of fun you can have on a balcony."

"On your profile you said you weren't very confident about your looks!"

"Get whatever you want. My mom's paying."

"Barry looks to have pulled a mussel."

"Suddenly I can't think of anything to chirp."

"Why do you think cool cars are lame?"

"Look, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but. . ."

'Oh, Dave. It's gorgeous... Can I show it to the girls in work before I turn you down?'

'You really don't get this 'going clubbing' thing ... '

"Taking leftovers home, again?"

"What I don't like about the military is all the emphasis on winning."

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

'If you're God's gift to women, I'd rather just have the money.'

"You're not one of those hoarders, are you?"

Another blind date ends badly for Uncle Pennybags

'It's still embarrassing, whether it's toilet paper or you're unraveling.'

One for my baby.