Database Administrator Gifts

"Networks, databases, the internet, the web, where is it all going?" Computer answers - "I haven't made up my mind yet!"

'True, we don't give out personal information, but every once in a while, the computer takes it upon itself to spill the beans.'

'This is not going to look too good on your record: complaining about invasion of privacy.'

'Now don't panic. Not everything was erased. We still have loads of data on rainfall, upholstery and jaywalking.'

'This used to take hours.'

'The first thing I do every morning is arrange all my thoughts in alphabetical order.'

Database Ball.

'Sorry, I'm late, but the databank had me confused with another Arvin K Wheatley and I was questioned by the authorities about smuggling arms into Afghanistan.'

"Sorry, bub. You're not database."

'It seems that their databank has all the information that's in our databank, plus information that's not in our databank, plus information about our databank.'

'Ooo, two strays to add to the database.'

'The complete computer home management system you bought says I should divorce you.'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

Whats ticking away in YOUR filing system?

A paperwork machine spews endless paperwork

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

'I'll be late for dinner, dear. I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

'Let's not go by the book.'

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

In basket-case.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

IN box...OUT is wastepaper basket on fire.

The Computer Bore

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

Online form - Submit.

'Human Error .. Yet Again.'

In/Out/These Things Happen.

'Ok, I'm in a paperwork mood. Let 'er rip.'

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'