Darwinian Humorist Gifts

Evolution

Soldier shooting evolutionary animals.

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

"Gee, thanks pal."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"Wow, these slippers are really warm!"

"Well, here's the problem. You been takin' the hair ball pills and givin' the Viagra to the cats."

'Boy, watch out for that pursestring suture!'

"The Englishman goes to the beach once a year to shed his skin."

"The Eggsorcist"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

'Jurassic Pork.'

'...Excuse me...Whoops, my fault!..Sorry!..You first...Pardon Me...Sorry...S'cuse me...Look out!...Pardon'

Hats and Food

'Of course I'm being catty. How else do you expect me to act?'

"Scuba cow"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Yes, one is a dog."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"Grass-cream! Thanks Mum!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"Yes, it's a safe: I was fed up with my winter provisions being raided by freeloaders!"

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"Yep. Looks like we have ringworm."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."