Dark Comedy Fan Gifts

'In my opinion your blurred vision is caused by the axe in your head. But you may want a second opinion.'

She vowed to put an end to overdue books and unpaid fines. It was the right thing to do ? even used a silencer.

'The good news is, we were able to save your leg'.

Hell, "I think there's been some sort of mistake, I still owe my soul to the mortgage company"

'Anyone else like me to be more specific?'

'We don't call it torture anymore - it's occupational therapy!'

'Do you promise to love her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until one day she decides to bite off your head and eat you.'

'No, no, no. Shout 'clear' BEFORE zapping him.'

Boss to secretary, "I've got to cut my overheads Miss Wilson. Arrange for the sale of my wife and children will you?"

"I never meant to hurt you."

'Let's see now, say, do you mind if I keep your x-ray for a book I'm writing on fatal diseases?'

"Okay, have I got this right? Three weeks ago your husband accepted an invitation to a barbecue and you haven't seen him since?"

I have learned how to solve most of these Sharpei dermatological problems...

"This is NOT another violent knife crime."

Angels watch hell on a flatscreen.

I was at his side when he passed away. But if the cops ask, say I was with you.

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

Today's odds (hospital bed's information chart).

'So...er...been anywhere nice this year.' Prison Barber

'But first, a few questions about life and death.'

'Good, you're up. Feeling any better?'

'I wish you would have come to see me sooner.'

'My 'friends' here are wondering if I could get an advance on my salary.'

'Da boss sends his regards, Sammy.'

"Happy Valentine's day!"

"People tend to take the news better when I bring Princess Cupcake."

"Well at least nobody notices we don't go out much anymore."

"But I'm only half way through my to-do list."

'Dead things give me the willies!'

'The inventor of the mobile phone burning in Hell'

'He always had to be the center of attention. You staying for the magic show?'

'Are you sure it is to be delivered to this floor?'

'I know a lot of folks get us confused, but I'm actually taxes!'

'Healing was number one, but having people undress and then them paying me was my second reason for becoming a doctor.'

'We are doing everything we can to find a donor.'