Dark Comedy Fan Gifts

'In my opinion your blurred vision is caused by the axe in your head. But you may want a second opinion.'

She vowed to put an end to overdue books and unpaid fines. It was the right thing to do ? even used a silencer.

'The good news is, we were able to save your leg'.

Hell, "I think there's been some sort of mistake, I still owe my soul to the mortgage company"

'Anyone else like me to be more specific?'

'We don't call it torture anymore - it's occupational therapy!'

'Do you promise to love her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until one day she decides to bite off your head and eat you.'

'No, no, no. Shout 'clear' BEFORE zapping him.'

"I never meant to hurt you."

Boss to secretary, "I've got to cut my overheads Miss Wilson. Arrange for the sale of my wife and children will you?"

"Okay, have I got this right? Three weeks ago your husband accepted an invitation to a barbecue and you haven't seen him since?"

'Let's see now, say, do you mind if I keep your x-ray for a book I'm writing on fatal diseases?'

I have learned how to solve most of these Sharpei dermatological problems...

'I wish you would have come to see me sooner.'

'But first, a few questions about life and death.'

Angels watch hell on a flatscreen.

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

Today's odds (hospital bed's information chart).

I was at his side when he passed away. But if the cops ask, say I was with you.

"This is NOT another violent knife crime."

'So...er...been anywhere nice this year.' Prison Barber

'You don't have to be sad to work here, but it helps!'

'It's just so tragic! For 30 years he runs his shop, and then one day he steps out of his door and WHAM!'

'Good, you're up. Feeling any better?'

'Would I be safe in assuming we've reached the end of my performance evaluation?'

'Our business corrupt? What gives you that idea?'

'He always had to be the center of attention. You staying for the magic show?'

'The inventor of the mobile phone burning in Hell'

'Da boss sends his regards, Sammy.'

'Hey Larry! Jim here! Haven't seen you since way last Christmas! How the heck are ya, dude?'

"People tend to take the news better when I bring Princess Cupcake."

"Well at least nobody notices we don't go out much anymore."

"Happy Valentine's day!"

The carefully chosen Sorry-I-Can't-Pay-My-Gambling-Debt card helped soften the blow.

"What the hell, man? I said - don't even think it!"