Dad-joke Distributor Pillows

"We've been admiring your fathering techniques."

Cry babies.

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

"Look, honey, I got dinner on line!"

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

Next to Nothing

'That's a picture of my granddad with shoulder length hair and a beard. That's why mom calls these albums hair looms.'

"I love my new tie! I'll wear it to work tomorrow." "The report'll be done shortly." "Excellent!"

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

Note Book

"How much did it cost to have your ears pierced?"

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

"It's a dependent!"

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

Looky... It's Bat'minton... I'll see myself out."

"OK...what's the quickest way to the hospital?"

"Congratulations! You've told the same joke one thousand times!"

'Hey, dad, I taught the dog to sit!'

"No sign of Simba?"

How To Spot A Politician

"I don't ever want you taken away, son. Never get into subtraction."

"Okay, I'll change your diaper, but you better not tell any of my patients."

'Dad, try to catch some jellyfish to go with my peanut butter.'

"I dooon't know this sooonngg. I'm just heeeere with my daaaaaughter and her frieeeends."

Child on a schedule.

'Dad, I need help with chemistry, what's the periodic table?'

'In this rare photo of President Bush standing beside former President Clinton, one can't help but notice how the weight of office has grayed their hair.'

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

"What happens if you get the headphones in the wrong ear?"

'Must you find fault every time she brings a boyfriend home?'

'This mandarin chicken is delicious, Dad. It tastes like you bought it yourself.'

"Oh no, the lectern and microphone. I get the feeling I'm getting another one of your boring life lectures."

'What'd you make dad' - 'It's a snowman, with his ugly, ungrateful son,'