Cynical Altruist Gifts

'Tell them we're temporarily out of deep concern. Will they settle for shallow compassion?'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Targets

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

Will Self deprecation

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America