Cynical Altruist Gifts

'Tell them we're temporarily out of deep concern. Will they settle for shallow compassion?'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Targets

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Will Self deprecation

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

'Well, at least he's an honest politician.'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.