Cyber Critic Gifts

Meet the People of the Internet

You're always chastising Rudy for using the web, yet here you are. How do you explain yourself? Something magical happened. I saw a small child break into tears at this computer and run away. I came to see what happened. That's when I discovered it. The comments section beneath a news article. A wonderland of mockery, bitterness and good old-fashioned blood feuds. Is that Sadie hugging that computer? Let's talk about something else.

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'

Statue of Liberty with satellite dish and laptop spying on the World.

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

Twitter censorship

'Screen saver. . . or did his computer freeze again?'

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

'What I don't like about computers is that you can't fire them.'

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"Fact amnesty"

It tells you the time? That's all it does? Well, isn't that just the cutest little thing?

Modern Day Kids Playing 'Telephone'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

Constructive Criticism 50c.

Someday

"You'll never believe who's here."

Seamus Heaney

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

Caveman sees comment section below cave drawings,