Cv Comedians Gifts

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"It was better before God took up knitting."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"Motivational seminars are too expensive. Just buy stronger coffee."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

"You're good at asking all the right questions. Now let's hear some right answers."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Right here is your baby’s infrastructure, and in a month or so we’ll be able to see the analytics."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

"It's going to be huge! Cheese-flavored vodka!"

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"I absolutely guarantee your workloads will not increase."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Very funny!'

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"I have always depended on the content of strangers."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"Didn't you get the memo? The boss said he was bringing in some experts to help with the company's rebranding."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."