Customer Analytics Gifts

"We can't make the perfect product, but with a little luck and a lotta data, we can make the perfect customer."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

Target your customer.

'From an aesthetic perspective, it has heart, beauty and intrigue, but is it a viable process design?'

Real data visualization specialists are 100% committed to their profession.

"I'm sorry, JB, we still haven't worked out how we did it."

'It's one of our new technology rings, it allows you to download karats.'

'As you can clearly see, our profits continue to climb well into the third quarter.'

'In celebration of Thanksgiving, this week's pie charts are all pumpkin flavored!'

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

'Well done! This works much better.'

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"I hear you have been split testing our online advertising campaign. I haven't got a clue what that is but stop it now."

'I'll take the one on the right.'

"The red bars represent the obscene numbers this quarter. The black bars are censoring those red bars."

'I brought Simmons here on board to use his powers of levitation on our customer intelligence.'

'He's working on the great American requirements document.'

Information vs. confusion

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

'I'll crunch the numbers and get back to you.'

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

"Heads, we go with the analytics. Tails, we don't."

"He's been using the new virtual reality data viewer and climbing bar graphs..."

"Remember, data doesn't tell the whole story."