Customer Intelligence Gifts

'I brought Simmons here on board to use his powers of levitation on our customer intelligence.'

'Our product flooded the market... Before backing up a deluge of consumer complaints!'

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

Target your customer.

Direct Marketing...

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'It's one of our new technology rings, it allows you to download karats.'

"Well, it could be the rising tide of consumer indifference to our company's latest product, or it might be the sink in the men's bathroom acting up again. We're still not sure."

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

'I'll take the one on the right.'

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"Providing the kind of service the customer is paying for could be a serious hassle."

'Our customers don't want mutual funds that are an 'eclectic mix'.'

'According to the latest data, our social media post rankings are staying fairly consistent with consumers, hovering just below cat shaming memes.'

"We can't make the perfect product, but with a little luck and a lotta data, we can make the perfect customer."

"... Wine list? No, we don't have a wine list! Perhaps I can get sir something from the vending machine?"

"I did a quick search for my lost requirements documents and I found them right away, but how do I get rid of the ads now?"

'You've got to give it to Jim, there's nothing he won't do for his customers.'

"Where can I find your organic, locally raised children?"

"For our market research, each package needs to be individually marked off and put over there."

"Give me insights on marketing to your age demographic...and I'll give you a bright shiny penny."

'I am stunned by the sophistication of our consumer research.'

Patience Tested While You Wait.

Business Intelligence Unit.

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"So, what makes you think I'm a therapist?"

"Any new proposals?"