Current Event Junkie Pillows

"It's better if we don't get our hopes up."

"All the police brutality in the news makes it seem like it's happening more."

'I shouldn't read this before I go to sleep... it gives me the creeps, man!'

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

Schengen

British savings accounts

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Donald Trump Removing Aggressor Label From Vladimir Putin

"The best part is that we got hell to pay for it."

Health Advisory: Flint Water has lead, Ann Arbor water has dioxane.

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

Laughingstock

Turkish Democracy

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"Everyone stay calm, if we don't upset it maybe it won't start shooting."

"Congratulations, Trumpism. It's ot often we initiate a new horseman."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"As I see it, 'Crazy politics' - like not voting on a supreme court nominee - is better than a complete government shutdown."

SAGE mentality

Mission Kinda Accomplished

"America’s leaders since 1980"

Russia Money Laundering

Roe v. Wade

Armageddon

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

Vladimir Putin Pulling Trump Across The Table By His Tie

Denazification

"You don't even need to lie down on the therapy couch! Any therapy would be totally senseless, Mr. Putin!"

"New court filings. Totally clears the President. Thank you." "Actually, sir, it, uh, says you did crime and might go to jail."

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

"Do you think the 'Taliban' is: (a) a cellphone company; (b) a deodorant (c) a terrorist company