Current Event Junkie Pillows

"It's better if we don't get our hopes up."

"All the police brutality in the news makes it seem like it's happening more."

'I shouldn't read this before I go to sleep... it gives me the creeps, man!'

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

Schengen

British savings accounts

Build your very own conflict of interest!

We Tenatively Oppose War on Strictly Procedural Grounds

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Donald Trump Removing Aggressor Label From Vladimir Putin

"The best part is that we got hell to pay for it."

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

Health Advisory: Flint Water has lead, Ann Arbor water has dioxane.

"Everyone stay calm, if we don't upset it maybe it won't start shooting."

Turkish Democracy

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

Laughingstock

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

Government a la Carte

"Congratulations, Trumpism. It's ot often we initiate a new horseman."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

Roe v. Wade

"America’s leaders since 1980"

SAGE mentality

Mission Kinda Accomplished

Armageddon

"As I see it, 'Crazy politics' - like not voting on a supreme court nominee - is better than a complete government shutdown."

Russia Money Laundering

"You don't even need to lie down on the therapy couch! Any therapy would be totally senseless, Mr. Putin!"

Sybil Obama

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

Denazification

Vladimir Putin Pulling Trump Across The Table By His Tie