Current Event Enthusiast Pillows

'And now a quick glance at tonight's top news stories.... Yikes!'

"On the lighter side, here's Muffin with a piece of string."

"This just in: we're doomed."

Hey kids! Enter Our Name the New Variant Contest....

The trouble is not with your set -- Bill O'Reilly has finally just gone completely around the bend.

"If we take this Soleimani guy out that'll distract the American people from my impeachment proceedings."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

Donald Trump Removing Aggressor Label From Vladimir Putin

Israel/Palestine Conflict

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

Health Advisory: Flint Water has lead, Ann Arbor water has dioxane.

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"Everyone stay calm, if we don't upset it maybe it won't start shooting."

Laughingstock

Turkish Democracy

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"As I see it, 'Crazy politics' - like not voting on a supreme court nominee - is better than a complete government shutdown."

SAGE mentality

Armageddon

Russia Money Laundering

"Hey...look...I'm prepared to admit that I might have been wrong, but...I think it's time to draw a line under it... and y'know...move on..."

Mission Kinda Accomplished

"America’s leaders since 1980"

Twitter censorship

"Rescue...we've come to join you."

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

Vladimir Putin Pulling Trump Across The Table By His Tie

"Great news, I've booked you two stag nights, a hen party and fourteen solemn thanksgiving services for members of the theatrical profession"

"New court filings. Totally clears the President. Thank you." "Actually, sir, it, uh, says you did crime and might go to jail."

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

"You don't even need to lie down on the therapy couch! Any therapy would be totally senseless, Mr. Putin!"

'Not a word to Alfred, but the spare bedroom is worth losing the fourteen pounds!'