Current Event Enthusiast Gifts

'And now a quick glance at tonight's top news stories.... Yikes!'

"On the lighter side, here's Muffin with a piece of string."

"This just in: we're doomed."

Hey kids! Enter Our Name the New Variant Contest....

The trouble is not with your set -- Bill O'Reilly has finally just gone completely around the bend.

"If we take this Soleimani guy out that'll distract the American people from my impeachment proceedings."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

We Tenatively Oppose War on Strictly Procedural Grounds

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

Donald Trump Removing Aggressor Label From Vladimir Putin

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Israel/Palestine Conflict

Health Advisory: Flint Water has lead, Ann Arbor water has dioxane.

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

Turkish Democracy

Laughingstock

"Everyone stay calm, if we don't upset it maybe it won't start shooting."

Government a la Carte

Armageddon

Mission Kinda Accomplished

"Hey...look...I'm prepared to admit that I might have been wrong, but...I think it's time to draw a line under it... and y'know...move on..."

SAGE mentality

"As I see it, 'Crazy politics' - like not voting on a supreme court nominee - is better than a complete government shutdown."

Russia Money Laundering

"America’s leaders since 1980"

Twitter censorship

"Rescue...we've come to join you."

"New court filings. Totally clears the President. Thank you." "Actually, sir, it, uh, says you did crime and might go to jail."

Billions for Terrorists, No Tribute to Americans

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

"You don't even need to lie down on the therapy couch! Any therapy would be totally senseless, Mr. Putin!"

Vladimir Putin Pulling Trump Across The Table By His Tie