Cup Of Sarcasm Pillows

'The restaurant rejected my credit card and my date rejected ME.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Czarcasm

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Exciting potato bugs.

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

"Sigh...Another sherry Harold...Go team ect."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."