Culinary Purist T-Shirts

'I know for a fact my grandma never used propylene glycol monoesters, polysorbates, sorbitan monostearate and di-glycerides.'

EAT: Ambience-free cusine

"We're very strict. No soy milk, no veggie burgers, no margarine... nothing that even looks like an animal product."

On August 14, 2011 at app. 2:00 p, Derek Winslow made scientific history by converting an item of the animal kingdom into an item of the plant kingdom.

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Jill Hamster's entrepreneurial disaster"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

View to the Future

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Canape?

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

Too much cilantro

"Is the MSG local?"

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

Recipes from the Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

Countervailing Clichés.

'I have to agree -- the value of pie goes on indefinitely.'

Grandma's caf

The Origins of Everything

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

In the DNA Kitchen

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

Sweet surprise.

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"