Gourmet Purist T-Shirts

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"You're the lid to my pot."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"An everything Martini, please."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Grandma's caf

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

Surgeon carving a chicken/turkey.

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Join me for dinner?

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

Haute Chinese

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

Avocado Timeline

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Pass the grey stuff.'

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

Wordplay: Rabbit Punch.

Cut out and keep your own Chef

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

'There was sizzle but no steak.'

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"