Culinary Joking Aficionado Pillows

Damaged goods & lawyer's torts 50 off.

Bangers and Mash

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Lockdown casserole

'My brother's a proper cook - he's come as a witness'

Where 'Turkey Bacon" Comes From

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

"It said on the packet the pasta should act as a vehicle for the sauce."

'I'm going to bake you a sponge cake...where do we keep the sponges?'

Soup Company: Chicken Stock, Beef Stock and Laughing Stock,

"And your baskets include dead crickets, old socks, mice guts and toilet water."

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'Sorry to keep you waiting, sir.'

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

'Todays special - egg on Ronay'

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

'No, you can't complain to the waiter about the vegetables floating in your soup. It's vegetable soup!'

Murderous Chef

'I hope it's okay -- the cookbook had some really confusing abbreviations.'

'You can do whatever you want, Herb, but I sure wouldn't take advice from a bowl of alphabet soup!'

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

'Too much salt!'

'Chef told me I had to have guard before I used the mixer!'

"Rare, medium or well done?"

'The doctor said I was ready for solids, but not this solid!'

'I'm sorry, sir, but cheeseburgers are out of season.'

"The body is eighty-two-per-cent broth."

Flatware Follies.

'I tried the new restaurant today: they have a three course menu...'

'Apparently, the carrot cake really is to die for.'

'It's actually cheaper than the bait shop.'

"You're not totally useless around the house - you make a great appetite suppressant."

"The Blueberry Bagel, having triumphed on the East Coast, heads West."