Culinary Connoisseur Of Restrictions Gifts

"Sorry, dear. I couldn't find a gluten or lactose-free sugarless non-GMO raw-vegan birthday cake..." "Tell me that's a nutless mulch muffin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

View to the Future

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Omar Khayyam Meets Trader Joe

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Is the MSG local?"

"I come here for the pepper."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

Too much cilantro

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

Full English Breakfast.

Countervailing Clichés.

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

A burgandy from when the dow hit a record high.

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"We've both made mistakes, Doug, but I consider the appetizers to be a thing of the past."

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

Enjoying a picnic at the rugby ground