Culinary Alchemists T-Shirts

"You're leaving?" "Yeah, today's kids are so demanding so I've decided to move to a gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free, sugar-free neighborhood."

'Dang.'

Circa 1928, The Reese's Candy laboratory.

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"This brew is quite hoppy - they must of added too much toad."

'He's trying to put some magic into my recipes.'

'Needs salt!'

Party time.

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

"Gracie, today I'm teaching you a Bermudez family tradition...passed down from generation to generation! Vamonos! Out! Now!"

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

"Just a pinch, Helga ... spicy eye of newt doesn't agree with me."

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

'Wait, wait, before you mix them, you have to say, 'Pow!'.'

If all else falls...Mom's Chicken Soup

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

"First you make a roux."

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

"It's made from all our old leftovers. I call it 'Rescue Casserole.'"

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

I bake my own bread.

Olive Oil

"Mr Newton, we have carefully reviewed your work in alchemy and have come to one conclusion: stick to physics.'

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

"Ah! dehydrogenated non-milk fat solids with a soupcon of deoxyhydropesane and sweetners...just like mum used to make."

'The Algenist meets the Alchemist.'

"I discovered a way to get Steven to eat his vegetables. I put chocolate syrup on them."