Culinary Alchemists T-Shirts

"You're leaving?" "Yeah, today's kids are so demanding so I've decided to move to a gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free, sugar-free neighborhood."

'Dang.'

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"This brew is quite hoppy - they must of added too much toad."

'He's trying to put some magic into my recipes.'

'Needs salt!'

Party time.

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

"Gracie, today I'm teaching you a Bermudez family tradition...passed down from generation to generation! Vamonos! Out! Now!"

"Just a pinch, Helga ... spicy eye of newt doesn't agree with me."

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

'Wait, wait, before you mix them, you have to say, 'Pow!'.'

If all else falls...Mom's Chicken Soup

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

"First you make a roux."

"Mr Newton, we have carefully reviewed your work in alchemy and have come to one conclusion: stick to physics.'

Olive Oil

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

"It's made from all our old leftovers. I call it 'Rescue Casserole.'"

I bake my own bread.

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

"Ah! dehydrogenated non-milk fat solids with a soupcon of deoxyhydropesane and sweetners...just like mum used to make."

'The Algenist meets the Alchemist.'

"When you have a moment would you mind browning the meringue?"

Baker

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'