Cubicle Comedian Gifts

Performance Management: "Jump!"

'But you have to admit management's commitment to quality is working.'

"I usually wake up screaming at six-thirty, and I'm in my office by nine."

A train station is where a train stops . . . this is a work station.

"Gentlemen, I've called this meeting to discuss absenteeism."

'Nothing personal, Bob, we just need your space for the new photocopier!'

'You idiots. When I said settle it like men, I didn't mean real men.'

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"Mr. Herman, you made me laugh and you made me cry, but you didn't make me money."

'The only part of the job I don't like is that they celebrate 'bring yourself to work day' five times a week.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'Here comes the boss. Quick, look busy!'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"He's still clicking but there's no pulse."

"Testing the "I could do this job in my sleep" theory."

"Briggs is running our stress at work assessment."

"So pleased are we with your work, Brown, that we're moving you up to a three drawer cabinet."

Sleeping at the computer.

'There is someone on the phone for you.'

'When were you captured?'

"We don't have a gym, but your parking space is six miles away."

'Fair enough… and what about your long-term goals?'

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

'For every problem there is always one solution which is simple, neat...' - '...and wrong.'

"About the shareholders meeting, ….Have Hayward update me on the smoke and Crampton brief me on the mirrors."

'Mrs. Higgins, please bring me my desk.'

"When the company said we'd now be sharing cubicle space this wasn't what I expected!"

"I misjudged you Fenton. I thought you were a 'mover and shaker' but all the time you were just bobbing and weaving."

'I'm a difference maker... not that it makes any difference...'

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

'You're doing so well here, I've decided to replace you before you become irreplaceable.'

"We appreciate the good job you're doing, but can you do it more thanklessly?"

''A desk job.' That's what they called it at the interview.' 'Same here.' 'SHH!'

'You can do whatever you want here... as long as I don't find out about it.'