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Performance Management: "Jump!"

'But you have to admit management's commitment to quality is working.'

"I usually wake up screaming at six-thirty, and I'm in my office by nine."

A train station is where a train stops . . . this is a work station.

"Gentlemen, I've called this meeting to discuss absenteeism."

'Nothing personal, Bob, we just need your space for the new photocopier!'

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

'You idiots. When I said settle it like men, I didn't mean real men.'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"Mr. Herman, you made me laugh and you made me cry, but you didn't make me money."

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The only part of the job I don't like is that they celebrate 'bring yourself to work day' five times a week.'

'Here comes the boss. Quick, look busy!'

"He's still clicking but there's no pulse."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Testing the "I could do this job in my sleep" theory."

"Briggs is running our stress at work assessment."

Sleeping at the computer.

"So pleased are we with your work, Brown, that we're moving you up to a three drawer cabinet."

'When were you captured?'

'Fair enough… and what about your long-term goals?'

"About the shareholders meeting, ….Have Hayward update me on the smoke and Crampton brief me on the mirrors."

"When the company said we'd now be sharing cubicle space this wasn't what I expected!"

"I misjudged you Fenton. I thought you were a 'mover and shaker' but all the time you were just bobbing and weaving."

'For every problem there is always one solution which is simple, neat...' - '...and wrong.'

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

"We don't have a gym, but your parking space is six miles away."

'Mrs. Higgins, please bring me my desk.'

'There is someone on the phone for you.'

"And after you've been with us for awhile you're entitled to a week at the company's resort cubicle."

"I'm sorry, but you're asking a question that's above my salary level."

'Errors were made, things were said, people got hurt.'

Annotated Org Chart

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"We appreciate the good job you're doing, but can you do it more thanklessly?"