Crying Baby Comedy Gifts

'Of course I know what he wants when he cries. He wants you.'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

"It's his emotional support animal."

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

Six-tier Communal Cradle.

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

Oh, sorry, it's in airplane mode.""

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

Pelvis birth canal exit: Width restrictions apply.

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- it's hard to believe we're related.'

We had to use my wife's pouch as a diaper bag.

'I hate chick flicks!' 'Sniff...me too...'

'I'm a loaf of bread.'

Gangster Babies

CCTV? Good grief, what do they think I'm going to vandalise in here??

Caution: False Contractions Ahead

"I can't come out, Mary is having one of her marathon cries."

"Funny how they often look like little old men

"Which one is yours?"

Rattle Snake in Love with Baby

"Podca-a-a-a-a-a-ast!!!"

"Gee, my first man cave!"

'She just got her first credit card application in the mail.'

"I always cry at weddings because I'm philosophically opposed to the institution of marriage."

"Wouldn't a teething ring be better than a house-brick?"

He must use Uber. I heard you contact them when you want to be picked up.

'Yep. There it is. It's definitely a boy.'

Baby Virus.

Those are alligator tears, Al. What's the difference between crocodile tears and alligator tears? Crocodile tears are insincere. Alligator tears are sincere, but alligators are whining crybabies.

I hate it when you cry, Al. Because it makes you sad? Because it stains the naugahyde.

"Use Your Inside Scream"

'Would the father like to gnaw through the umbilical cord?'