Baby Comedian Gifts

Oh, sorry, it's in airplane mode.""

"If a third grader knows the answer, how much of a problem can it really be?"

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

Boy bringing home an octopus in a fish bowl.

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

"It's his emotional support animal."

'Rock.' - 'Paper.' - 'Boris.'

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

'It was a great birthday party till Jeffrey tried to fart his candles out.'

Fat Kid 17- Swallows the phone

Baby's book is titled: 'Dummies for Dummies.'

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

"I don't get it either, but my mom keeps telling me to hang up the phone, so I do it to make her happy."

The Amazing Mr Sausage

Small boy teasing a priest by removing jesus from the cross and leaving a 'Back in five minutes' sign

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"He tried to attack me with this, but I managed to grab it from him and knock him out before he did me in."

'Breasts can be so rude. So often they start without me.'

'Vegebals are poisonus says sciencetists'

'Going my way, gorgeous?'

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

Gangster Babies

We had to use my wife's pouch as a diaper bag.

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

'Congratulations, its a six pound biker.'

"No chance of accumulating frequent birthing points in here. This is the only trip I'll take."

'I'm a loaf of bread.'

'Have you washed your hands?'

CCTV? Good grief, what do they think I'm going to vandalise in here??

"Look! the poor kid's prematurely BALD!"

'It's not fair 'Bogie'...they took away my video camera...did you ever hear them say anything about not hiding behind the shower curtain and filming visitors on the can?'

'I don't feel that bad.'