Critic Aficionado Gifts

Sign in book shop window: 'Critics agree the book is much better than the movie.'

"Bond James, Bond."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

King Henry and his Cheshire bride

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"For heaven's sake, Ogden, it's vacation time! Must you make your little lists even on vacation time?"

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Bloody hell!"

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

Canadian film production

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

Moby Dick

'Action!...Cut!...Right, everything else is CGI'

Frontispiece to 'Dombey and Son'

My Literary Influences

Ironing Punctuation

'He speaks for our entire generation. Pity he's such a bore...'

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

Arnold's first day on the job - 'What do you mean...no director!!!...and who is going to tell me what to do?'

Filling the Missile Gap

'So no animals were harmed in that movie...but how about the audience?!'