Crisper Comedian Gifts

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

Night of the Latkes

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

College student cleans messy dorm room littered with clothes with leafsnow blower

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

"Man does not live by chips alone. There's also guacamole."

Brown only photocopier sales.

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'Don't worry about the dishes. I did them.'

"Tell me, is a single spaghetti a spaghetus or what?"

'If the drain's clogged with food, why not clean it out with some high fiber bran flakes?'

"Corned beef and cabbage"

"It's trouble for Chubby when Mitzi brings out the vacuum."

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"One checker, two packs of cigarettes, two screws, one teapot bird, one piece of coal, three lighters, one Christmas light, one clove of garlic, four boxes of matches, two books, three pieces of broken dish, eggshells, one saltshaker peg, one pen, one cre

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

'Aren't you supposed to drop the clam on the rock?'

'...Then I swept down the staircase, into the ballroom.'

'Sorry, we serve beer in glasses only. Not in the toilet flush.'

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

'You just stood there and let them put a bell on you? -- What were you THINKING?'

Biggest selling fly cereal on the market.