Crisper Comedian Gifts

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

Night of the Latkes

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

Optimist

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

College student cleans messy dorm room littered with clothes with leafsnow blower

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

Brown only photocopier sales.

"Man does not live by chips alone. There's also guacamole."

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'If the drain's clogged with food, why not clean it out with some high fiber bran flakes?'

"Tell me, is a single spaghetti a spaghetus or what?"

'Don't worry about the dishes. I did them.'

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

"Corned beef and cabbage"

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"One checker, two packs of cigarettes, two screws, one teapot bird, one piece of coal, three lighters, one Christmas light, one clove of garlic, four boxes of matches, two books, three pieces of broken dish, eggshells, one saltshaker peg, one pen, one cre

"It's trouble for Chubby when Mitzi brings out the vacuum."

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

'Aren't you supposed to drop the clam on the rock?'

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.

'Sorry, we serve beer in glasses only. Not in the toilet flush.'

'...Then I swept down the staircase, into the ballroom.'

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

Deadly Sins Dept. Envy. Lust. Sloth. Pride. Greed. Wrath. Gluttony. At times it seems like it should be, but "oversharing" is not a deadly sin.

'You just stood there and let them put a bell on you? -- What were you THINKING?'

"Your lives will continue to stink until you find your center."