Crude Comedian Gifts

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Motorherd

Optimist

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

Cow in a vest: Well, I think I look like Bruce Willis!

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

Rattlecornsnake

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

"Let's see how brave you are without your gun."

'My wife, my rancher, his artificial insemination device!'

'If the drain's clogged with food, why not clean it out with some high fiber bran flakes?'

Canoeing Incorrectly

"It's trouble for Chubby when Mitzi brings out the vacuum."

'You can't come in to play unless you wear cushions on your feet - My Dad's got a headache!'

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

'Where are you going, I already locked out that pump.' - 'CARL'S on shift!'

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

'You always have an excuse when it's your turn to buy the drinks.'

"It just started as a list of his faults, and just evolved into a horror novel."

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.