Crisis-joker Pillows

"How much longer do I have before I have to change to a healthy lifestyle?"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"An un-observed universe ceases to exist. Yeah right!"

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

Fittd shēt

"Is it true Dad...is the Earth really made of bleu cheese?"

"You never laugh at my jokes... "

'You can come out, Marmaduke. I was just kidding about putting lipstick on you.'

Farmer chasing alien leaving crop circles.

Pole Star

'Did you check the glove compartment? -- maybe you left the keys in there.'

Prisoner still life painting.

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

"So a horse has 6 legs, forelegs at the front and 2 at the back?"

Astronaut sees cell tower on the moon.

World-Wide Bank: Economic crisis lands in the in-tray.

Fred's not sure who to call first: 911 or the plumber he should have called in the first place.

Climbing to the moon

"Actually, this is where there was a slight earth tremor."

"I did warn you about doing that, Gorak. . ."

"And on the seventh day, God 'choked,' and all hell broke loose."

"Dad, if there's a plot to the universe, can you see any spoilers?"

"Someone has stolen my identity crisis."

Gentleman, things are worse than we thought.

'I re-invested what was left of my 401K into returnable pop cans. I figure by the time I retire I should have about three dollars.'

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

Reflex Testing -"...and you're sure you can't feel it"

A flower beats up another flower - Genetically Engineered plants tend to be more aggressive than naturally grown ones.