Crime Stopper Pillows

Man selling Security Systems: 'If that's too expensive for you, perhaps I could interest you in a false sense of security.'

'Good evening. I'm Scotty, the loss prevention specialist.'

Members of the city and state police, the federal prosecutor's office and an undercover agent pose behind a recently-seized, uncut ounce of prevention (street value: $500,000).

'Just your credit cards. I don't feel safe carrying cash these days.'

"Looks like crime is down."

'Do you have anything to prevent identity theft?'

Policeman painting vandals with 'anti-vandal paint' instead of painting the walls.

Suspicious Person Ban.

Anti-mugger door.

Happy cop.

'Good news, Walter...I found the bullets.'

Burglar entering a living room.

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

'Looks like the work of the infamous international frequent flyer burglar - Better dust for carbon finger prints!'

Corrupt Weights and Measures

"....and I said, 'as a matter of fact, I DO have a bowling ball in my bag'."

Woman crying with happiness.

'I love the mountains and all, but I simply can't do this....I'm just too chicken.'

Before the riots/after the riots

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

"If a tree falls in the forest and hits a certain individual, would he still be able to testify?"

"Fifth robbery this week. That's not a security camera ??" a local TV news station installed it to save time."

Bureau of Missing Persons

'Your father installed a security system.'

"Yours is the worst case of identity theft I've investigated."

Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington.

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

'Mind if I wear it to the door? I want to test audience reaction.'

I didn't dress this way to go unnoticed

"My goodness, Gurkenham! This is the worst case of identity theft I've ever seen!"

'Hey, we're doing an office pool on who gets to bust that illegal card game on Main.'

"Tonight's performance has been canceled, because the star of our show has decided that musicals are stupid."

Whistle blower...

"We're from Neighborhood Watch. We'd like to see some I.D."