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"Why can't newspapers run more good-news stories?"

"The DNA sample from the mink fibres found in the suspect's car matched the DNA sample from the mink coat found at the scene of the crime, so I'm thinking, maybe these minks were twins?"

Neighborhood Watch.

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'Who was the murderer? Well Watson, that's the killer question.'

"And after the interview, they gave me a tour. Do accounting firms typically have their own coroner?"

'Do these hovering black helicopters have anything to do with you?'

'We COULD bust him for every non-forced illegal entry in the district...or is that just too darn easy?'

Police appeal for information whilst thugs appeal for silence.

'I think I'll get an early night - I've got metal theft fatigue.'

"Victim was walking home from a philosophy class. Shot twice and presumably fell, though, without witnesses, we don't know if he made a noise."

'Well, I suppose that legalizing everything would technically lower the crime rate....'

Alternate police policy... stop-and-counsel.

"Where were you between five and six?"

"If it goes without saying, why all the insistence that I actually say it?"

"The planning was meticulous, the execution was flawless. Henry would've got away with it, if he hadn't tried to claim the ice pick as an essential work expense.

"Well Inspector - that little trap you set seems to have worked!"

The cops figured it was an inside job. Or an outside job.

Stolen Identity.

Looks like a drive-by shooting guv.

Crime - Punishment.

'Pretty much every case up here is a cold case.'

'Can you point out who did this to you?'

Frank & Ernest Private Eyes. Here's a vandal named William, looking for kicks, drilled holes in a large sign. Bored Bill bored billboard!

'Where my balls go?'

"No, that looks nothing like him. Were you even listening to me? Young man, are you on drugs?"

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

A boy acting suspiciously

'We subpoenaed all of 'Mr. Big's' electronic messages. They're in morse code.'

I sometimes feel spotted, but I never really feel seen.

'I'm sure that the autopsy will confirm it was a suicide.'

"Of course, it may be one of those sting operations!"

"Boy is he good! He's even got me convinced you're guilty!"

"Don't make me send in the bad cat."