Crime Lord Humorist Pillows

"Do you want to order a contract killing, Don Carlos, or a pay-as-you-go killing?"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'Click it or ticket.'

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

The Mafia Goes Green.

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Do you know what time they open love?"

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

The Brains of the Outfit

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

'Hello, Mum!'

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

'I can't believe you gave them your resume instead of the holdup note!'

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."

"I'm charging you with trying to strike a happy medium."

"I've got a little job for you, Kretchmer. I want you to infiltrate the I.R.S. and sow the seeds of compassion."

"I'm sorry, Mr Weinstock can't see you at the moment - he's on the run."