Crime Lord Humorist Pillows

"Do you want to order a contract killing, Don Carlos, or a pay-as-you-go killing?"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

'Click it or ticket.'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Police Lineup Escape

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

The Mafia Goes Green.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"Remember, we're an enlightened group. We victimize everyone. No hate crimes for us."

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

The Mafia isn't what it used to be...

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

"I'm investigating the theft of a breadcrumb by an ant matching your description."

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'Let this guy go. He's working under cover.'

'Hello, Mum!'

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

The Brains of the Outfit

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

"Do you know what time they open love?"

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

Piñata police line-up.

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."

"I've got a little job for you, Kretchmer. I want you to infiltrate the I.R.S. and sow the seeds of compassion."

"I'm charging you with trying to strike a happy medium."

'I can't believe you gave them your resume instead of the holdup note!'

"I'm sorry, Mr Weinstock can't see you at the moment - he's on the run."